The Art of Eating Properly
The end of 2023 is near. The holiday season is here. Families reunite to share happy cheers, good meals and gifts. I’m getting ready to go spend a few days with part of my family in Mali. They inspired today’s post as I begin to imagine our own end-of-the year celebration.
In our community, meal time is family time. I was first introduced to the art of eating properly when I was about 4 years old. Before that, all the children ate together. But once we reached that age, we were considered old enough to start being part of the adults’ world.
We were elated to be finally allowed to eat with our parents and grandparents, but we also learned quickly that unruly behavior was not tolerated. We were to follow the rules assigned to our age-group and bending them was not an option. Some of the rules are so imbedded in me that they still shape my behavior today. But let’s go back to Mali where it all began.
A child who knows how to eat quietly, will be a welcome guest everywhere they go.
Eating is a sacred ritual with protocols that regulate the roles of the family from the elders, to the parents, to the children. Meals with the family introduced the children of my age group to our role and our place in our respective households.
Meal time was family time. We all sat in circle around the big bowl of food. We ate with our right hand. Lalla, our elder, took the first handful of food, and tasted it to make sure it was not too hot. Then, my grandmother would tell the rest of the family to start eating.
Lalla and our parents talked about their days, the things that were going on in our neighborhood and in the community. We, the children, remained quiet and focused on what was in front of us: our food. No wondering eyes, and no interrupting the adults in the middle of their conversations. Lalla and the elders explained that children need to focus on single tasks, and they also wanted to teach us to contain ourselves. Lalla said:
“Anna, there is a time, a place and a way to speak. Three situations render all your words useless: when you utter them before the right time; or when you remain silent when it’s actually your time to speak; and when you speak after the fact.
“There is a time, a place and a way to speak that you can determine only when you know how to listen.”
The second teaching was about being content with what you have. Adults and children alike ate the food that was in our respective space, right in front of us. We couldn’t take another handful of food before finishing what we had in our mouth. This rule seemed to only apply to us children. I remember my frustration with some aunties and uncles whose hands came way, way too close to my space. I would look up to Lalla. She nodded and smiled which meant don’t worry, I saved something for you. Don’t say anything.
Later, when it was just the two of us, my grandmother would bring out the hidden bowl with food she and I would eat, while disparaging the total lack of savoir-vivre of some relatives. Lalla made me promised to never turn out to be like that. Moderation at all times showed you had good manners.
As children, our only chore was to hold the top of the bowl so it wouldn’t move while we were eating. But his small gesture, was also a sign of deference and demeanor for our parents and grandparents.
I didn’t think much of the impact of this daily ritual. I didn’t notice that these rules from my childhood had become second nature until I arrived in New York City. It is here that at friends and office parties, I saw that I’m always mindful with my words, and my intake of food.
What Would Lalla Say?
Lalla would probably laugh pleased to see that I still have some manners. She would add:
“Anna, everything we taught you was to help you find your seat wherever you go. Remember, people may not know where you come from, but people usually recognize, and appreciate a well-mannered person.
Lalla and the elders often said that life in society is possible only when everyone knows how to respect one another and comply with the established rules. For me, the art of eating properly is the perfect example of how life can be simple and beautiful when we agree to create a space where everyone come together to share a meal.
The food was good, but what made it fond memories are the people who every day, came home to eat together.
Dear readers, I wish you many cheers, and joy this holiday season.
In the next issue before I leave for Mali, I will share with you our customs for the end of year rituals.
Thank you for your time. And until we come together again, be kind to yourself, and do not let the noises of the world make you doubt the voice inside your gut.